Yesterday was one of those days of missing Brian so much. I had a million things to do. It seemed everywhere I looked, something needed to be tended to. The birdfeeders were empty and the little hummer looked at me with disappointment as he tried to take a sip. The shepherd’s hooks needed straightening, the deck needed cleaning, the fern garden was bursting through the little fence. There were no groceries, the laundry needed to be done and bills needed to be paid.
As I looked at my little lighted tree, I wondered if the grands would be disappointed this year that Nani didn’t make more of an effort to embrace Christmas. I climbed the ladder and managed to coax a couple things out of one of the tubs marked “Christmas” from the top shelf. I was wishing that I had accepted Will’s offer to get them all down last week. But on that day, I wasn’t in a place of even wanting to think about decorating.
I worked through my to do list, trying not to let the thought of it all overwhelm me. Amidst the tasks, I texted with my friend Joy, I told her that I am reminded every day of all of the things that Brian did to make my life easier and that I wished that I had thanked him more.
I went to his desk to file some insurance papers. There I noticed a box on a shelf. I had seen it there for years but never paid it any mind. It was his desk after all. I removed it carefully from the shelf and looked inside. It was filled with old cards, notes, letters and photographs. Right at the top as though he had placed them there for me to find on this day was this card and this note.
I know that I was guided to these notes. Whether it was Brian’s soul, my angels or Spirit, I know that they were shown to me for a reason. In my heart I heard, see Jean, here they are in your own hand…you did tell him that you appreciated all that he did for you and you did so many times. We heard you. He heard you. Be at peace.