Before we had even spoken a word to each other, on that night of June 15th, 1973, I turned to my friend and told her “If he asked me to leave with him tonight I would do it.”

Little did I know, with those words spoken, a home was being prepared for us in Jacksonville Florida. When we moved into our home we found blue prints for the pool. The date the plans were drafted was June 15th, 1973, the day we met in Wisconsin, nine years earlier. This would be the home where our children would be born, laugh and play. A home we would share for 36 blessed years. God had a wonderful plan for us. I am gratelful for the home that was prepared, the children that were gifted and now the grandchildren that fill in the empty spaces that came with Brian’s leaving.

Thank you dear Lord for all of it. For if it was your plan that we meet, then it was also in your plan that he was to leave us. I am not angry, just very sad. I am doing my best to look forward with new eyes. To see what this next chapter brings. Thank you Spirit. I am grateful.

February 12, 2020

I have never been so aware of life changes as I have been since my husband passed.  It has been a time of reflection upon what was and an opening to the possibilities of the future.  A future without him.

I recently made a major decision that was the most difficult yet.  It was the decision to stay in our home.  It took some time to weigh and measure it.  In the beginning I looked at it as, which would be less painful. Leaving this house where Brian and I had spent the last 36 years or staying and being reminded of the memories of what once was but could no longer be.

When Brian first passed, I was so raw.  It felt as though my heart had been fileted open and the very air upon it was nearly unbearable.  Just 38 days later my house, our home, was burglarized and ransacked.  My already fileted heart now felt the full impact of his leaving.  I remember asking Father Mother God, “Am I to be broken Father?  No my child, Mother whispered gently. Broken open my love, not broken. That is much different indeed.  Being broken open is a glorious happening.”

Then one day, I received a wonderful sign.  On January 30^th, Will and I were dragging some trash to the street while doing some renovations to the bathroom.  As we bumped our way out, the storm door banging against our load, I made a comment to him that I had never liked the storm doors on the house.  Within about 10 minutes he had removed them both. It felt so good.  There was such a change in the energy.  Opening the door and just stepping out without the hinderance of the storm felt so freeing. 

That very evening, I heard that small soft voice say, “The storm is over.  You can settle now.  You can rest easy.”  I knew immediately that there was divine inspiration behind my removing the storm doors earlier in the day.  The symbolism was so powerful.  It was that event that really cemented my decision not to sell this house but to stay and rebuild my life. 

Just one week later, on February 6^th I received a phone call from Detective Karst at the Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office.  He was calling to let me know that the man who burglarized my house had been arrested and was in jail.  I knew it!  I knew that he would be caught. 

Just days before the burglary I had said a prayer asking Creator to please help the police catch whoever was causing the mischief in our neighborhood. Then wham!  My house was broken into!  My first thought was, I guess I should have been more specific in my asking but then quickly said well, why not me?  I was the one asking for the help.  Why shouldn’t I be the catalyst for this prayer to be answered. 

When walking into my house that day, the contents of my life strewn about without care or concern, I was at first angry.  Angry that someone had gone through Brian’s desk.  Touched his things. How dare they, I thought.  How dare they violate his memory.  As I reached the bedroom where we had cared for him during his illness I was taken aback. The contents of the dressers and closet covered the floor but there in the doorway laid my prayer bundle.  It had been carried from my bureau in the master bedroom and was still bound. Its gold satin cord tied securely, just as I had left it. A vision flashed through my mind.  It was of hands holding the bundle when suddenly the hands flew up as though being burned by the bundle and it dropped to the floor.  I heard that usually small voice, booming now. “No, not that. Here no further!”  I knew that I had been given a wonderful gift.  That small prayer bundle, that was so sacred to me had been protected. The burglar was not allowed to take it and in that moment I felt so loved by God and my angels.  My prayer was being answered but a line had been drawn and I had been spared the sadness of losing my precious prayer bundle. 

As my eyes once again began scanning the destruction and my mind tried to grasp exactly what I was seeing, there it was!  Just two feet from where my prayer bundle had been dropped laid a blood- filled latex glove.  We got him, I thought excitedly!  DNA, we’ve got DNA!  As I looked more carefully, I noticed that one of the drawers that now stood open contained one black Isotoner glove.  I looked about and did not see the right glove.  Just the day before, I had placed that pair of gloves in that bureau.  Now the right glove was gone.  Well, it didn’t take a detective to surmise that the thief cut his hand on the glass as he came through the door and then found my glove as he searched the room.  Although I can only speculate, I can just image God plucking it from the pocket he probably stuffed it into and dropping it just there by my prayer bundle. 

Well that was a very long and difficult night. Megan called to let me know that Trey wanted me to stay in his room that night. He had actually given Will very specific instructions that under no circumstances was I to be allowed to stay at the house that night. He was cleaning his room top to bottom and washing his linens so that everything would be perfect for me. When Will and I arrived at their house in the wee hours of the morning, there was Trey asleep on the sofa. I slipped quietly into his bedroom to find a fluffy fresh bed and the scent of essential oils in the air. A bottle of water was next to the bed and a stack of movies on the dresser that he thought I might enjoy. He had even set up a charging station for any devices I may have with me. But even more wonderful than all of that was the powerful feeling of his love, his kindness and his compassion. And as I laid my weary body down on his bed, his love filled my fileted heart like a soothing balm and I slipped into a restful sleep.

Jean’s Journal – December 23, 2019

Part 1

To say it was an extraordinary day is an understatement. For the energy that filled and surrounded me as I walked through it was one of joyful service.  You know, it’s that feeling you get when you know that you are doing something really good for someone else?  Well, it aligns you with a higher power and a sort of cosmic cooperation occurs. It is the best feeling in the world! Well, today was one of those. 

It began when my friend Shellie told me about a homeless woman and her two boys who had fled a bad family situation in Alabama.  She knows of my great network of friends and colleagues, as we have worked together in the past to help someone in need.

I got to work on an email and Facebook post to enlist the aid of these great folks.  AS it is the day before Christmas Eve, we had to move fast.  Shellie wanted to be able to provide them a wonderful Christmas complete with Santa and we only had til 5pm to make it happen. 

I immediately began getting offers of assistance from people all around town.  Shellie, Melissa and Andy were busy collecting, shopping and wrapping as well! People began sending me money through Cash App and I ran to the bank so that I could cover those deposits with cash.  I had to run to our Medco office in Orange Park to take care of some business and on the way met another wonderful friend at CVS to collect a gift card she had purchased.  When I got to Medco, there was a card with a donation waiting for me as well!

I was on my way back to Jacksonville when I got a call from Brooks.  They needed me to deliver some things to them from the Medco office.  For a moment I panicked, but then just took a breath and asked God to help me get everything done that I needed to do before 5pm.  I quickly exited on Old St Augustine Road so that I could turn around and go back to Medco (in Orange Park.)  Just at that time, I received a text from my friend Julie saying that she would like to make a donation.  I just laughed in amazement.  Julie was calling from her office on Old St Augustine Rd.  The detour I had made put me right on her street.  God is so amazing! 

I was at Julie’s door in minutes.  She was so excited as she told me how that very morning, she had realized that she had not yet made a charitable donation this Christmas as she and her husband usually did at this time of year.  She wondered, should she stop at a church to see if they had someone in need that she could help.  She silently asked God to guide her. Julie explained that she rarely looks at Facebook during the day but while on break today she had and that is when she saw my plea for help.  Wow!  Talk about divine guidance!

I made a quick stop and filled a huge gift bag full of laundry detergent, dryer sheets, paper plates, bowls, napkins, cutlery, various toiletries, Christmas candy and a tin of popcorn.  Kids need candy at Christmas to be sure!

Well 5 o’clock came and I arrived at their hotel with our gifts and $500.00 cash!  Our plan had been to go to the office and pay up her hotel as far as we could.  Upon seeing the condition of the place, my heart sank.  My first thought was, oh my God, we have got to get them out of here! We all convened in the front parking lot then went to their room at the back of the hotel. I must admit to being nervous about the surroundings and yet I knew that God had been orchestrating things so far, certainly he would not let anything happen to us now. 

Lucretia and the boys came down the outside stairs to greet us.  They were excited yet very respectful as introductions were made.  Then we all set to work carrying the many bags and boxes to their room.  Michelle had brought a folding table and all of the packages were neatly arranged upon it.  As the boys looked over the stack of gifts, we all stepped outside with mom.  We wanted to let her know that we had some cash to pay on her hotel and yet we first wanted to ask her if she would like us to help her find better accommodations elsewhere.  She explained to us that it was not easy to find a place that she could afford and that she did not want to uproot the boys again until she could move them into an apartment or rental home.  

I really loved and admired this small statured young woman.  She smiled and was so grateful for the help we brought to her through the kindness and generosity of strangers.  She carried a quiet strength in that slight frame.  Small but not weak, that is for sure.  She spoke of her faith that God was in control and that everything was going to work out just fine.  This didn’t mean that she was going to rely on others to take care of her but that she was going to work and move forward one step at a time toward a better situation for her and her boys.

After leaving mom and the boys, we all stopped at the office  and paid for their lodging for the next two weeks.  It’s a shame how much even a bad hotel will charge someone who has few options.

I drove off feeling warm and wonderful about the help we were able to provide, the joy of toys, clothes and shoes for the boys as well as some wonderful gifts for mom.  There was also a small lit tree and a Christmas dinner from Cracker Barrel upon which they would feast.  Right alongside of this happiness rested a feeling of great sadness that we had to leave this sweet little family in such surroundings. I could not help but be grateful that I was not leaving my daughter and grandchildren in this place.  But “they” are all our daughters and grandchildren in the eyes of God aren’t they? We are all one in his eyes.  We are all a part of that Divine Spark. I drove home in a slurry of emotions.    I arrived home feeling joyful and yet somewhat incomplete.  Unfinished business.

It was when my husband passed away that my children first suggested that I get a dog.  One month later it came up again when my house was broken into.  Although I love dogs, I did not want to make any major changes in my life right then.  More recently I put it out to Spirit that I was ready for a dog, but that I was going to wait for the perfect one to come to me.  I was going to rescue rather than purchase as there are so many out there in need of a home.  I began making a long list of all of the attributes that I would want in a dog.  I would prefer older to younger, medium size versus large, calm, well trained, content to be home alone when I was at work, would enjoy regular trips to the mountains and would be sweet and loving with the grandkids. 

A few weeks ago there was a posting on FB that said something like, your dog is waiting for you at the Humane Society.  Hmmm…is that a sign?  Then a day or two later, a posting for the Mega Pet Adoption event at the fairgrounds where they would rehome hundreds of pets. Hmmm…sign two?

Then last week I went to one of my communities to drop off brochures.  As I walked toward the building the thought popped into my head to ask my daughters if they would want to go to that event with me.  Just outside of the front door, a lady sat with a little dog under her chair, enjoying the afternoon.  She smiled and we said hello.  When I came out of the building, her little dog came out from under her chair and stretched to reach me.  I asked what the dog’s name was and she replied that it was Judy and assured me that it was fine to pet her.  

So how long have you had Judy, I asked?  Well, my children insisted that I get her when my husband passed away. I just giggled to myself.  Hmmm…third sign!  I told her, that’s so funny, my children have been wanting me to get a dog since my husband passed away.  Just do it, she said. She went on to tell me how much Judy has helped her in those difficult times.  Just do it, you will be so glad you did, was her advice. Do it, you will never be sorry. She repeated that many times during our brief visit.

Soon it was time for me to get back to work.  I told her that if I got a dog, that I would take a picture and bring it back to show her.  She was happy about that.  I began to walk away then turned back and asked her what her name was.  She replied, Jean.  Oh my gosh I said, my name is Jean too!  We both had a laugh and off I went. 

As I walked back to my car, I was going over it in my head.  OK, so you are standing in front of a woman, also named Jean who has a dog that she got after her husband died because her children thought it would be helpful.  And she is telling you over and over how her dog helped her through that period of grief and after. Hmmm…sign number 4? 

So yes, I called my daughters and they said that they would love to go to the pet adoption event with me.  And that is exactly what we did last Sunday.  As soon as we arrived, we were greeted by a volunteer named Becky.  She asked what we were looking for and I began going through my long list of what I thought was important.  When I finished she asked if she could introduce me to “someone” and off she went.  When she returned she had a large brindle dog with white feet and markings.  His name was Sam and he was so sweet!  Lily, my four year old granddaughter who is usually afraid, connected with  him immediately.  He was gentle and calm the entire time.  Becky told us that he was about 6 ½ but they did not know his history.  He has many broken and missing teeth, some skin issues that were resolving and heartworm.  She was excited to tell us how she had him in a Halloween costume and paraded him about all day on Saturday and he didn’t seem to mind a bit. She was afraid he wouldn’t be adopted because no one really noticed him in his crate.  He just laid there, so people passed him by.  After spending some time with him she took him back to his crate and we took a walk about to look at the other dogs. 

The girls and I talked about the pros and cons of adopting Sam.  I was concerned about future vet bills when hearing about his health issues but I just couldn’t walk away from him.  He had been in a kennel for 3 months and he was so sad.  Most of the other dogs were barking and going crazy while he just laid quietly.  Well, so much for my list of qualifications! I had considered so carefully what I thought would be best, but in the end, I had left it up to God.  I was reminded that sometimes gifts come wrapped in packages that we don’t expect.  Sam was certainly a different package, but God has placed him in my care.  He is my charge and we will help each other heal.