Am I To Be Broken Father?

From the depths of my soul, I cried out to Father Mother God.
The pain, both physical and emotional, nearly more than I could bear.
Am I to be broken Father, I asked?
No my child, Mother whispered gently.
Broken open my love, not broken.
That is much different indeed.
Being broken open is a glorious happening.
For with that opening, much more LIGHT may enter.
It is time for you to begin releasing your sorrow.
We know this is not easy. You and your beloved Brian had something very special indeed.
Do not wonder, did I do enough? You did.
Do not wonder, was I there for him in every way? You were.
Do not wonder, did I say everything that needed to be said. You did.
Do not wonder if he understood the very depth of your love for him. He did.
Rest easy now my precious child.
Do not wonder if you will see him again. You will.
(Excerpt from my morning talk with Spirit)

Be careful what you pray for…

Just five weeks after my husband passed away my house was ransacked and robbed. It was Sunday afternoon, November 18th. I’d had a nice lunch with my ministers group and then stopped at my daughter’s to drop off some of Brian’s clothes for donation to the homeless. Upon my return, I noticed my kitchen door was ajar. I thought to myself, could I have left that open? Yes, it’s possible that as I was loading Brian’s clothes, I may have been distracted by the emotion of it. I slowly stepped inside the kitchen. Some of the cupboard doors were open. My mind began spinning as it worked to process what I was seeing. Then I looked into the next room to see Brian’s desk drawers were open. It suddenly became clear when I saw the shattered glass of the sliding door and a large cement paver on the floor. It was then that I gathered my wits about me and decided it was best not to explore the rest of the house on my own. I may not be alone.

I stepped outside and called my neighbor who came immediately with his son-in-law and went into the house with me. I was stopped cold in the doorway of the room where the girls and I had so recently cared for Brian as he went through his journey with cancer. Every drawer, closet and cabinet had been gone through and the contents strewn about. I was sickened at the sight of it. I remember thinking, how dare they touch his things. How dare they violate his memory.

Then, two important things called to me as I stood there in disbelief . Just inside the doorway on the floor was my prayer bundle. It had been taken from its place on my bureau. It is a beautiful drawstring bag that can be opened and laid out into an altar of sorts. It contains some of my most precious treasures such as my dad’s rosary and the magnetic cross that rode on the dashboard of every family vehicle I can remember growing up. Holding sacred medallions, crystals, pendants and other small momentos of many of my dear friends, mentors and teachers who are both here and on the other side, these items are irreplaceable to me. My heart told me that God had stripped it from the hands of this man as he carried it. “No, not that” I heard His voice say. I could see it in my minds eye as it hit the floor, dropping as though it was searing the hands of the one whose intention was dark. “Here, no further” Spirit said. I was so thankful that this man was not allowed to take those precious memories from me.

The second thing that was brought to my attention will soon be the undoing of this thief. There, just a couple feet from my prayer bundle was a latex glove filled with blood. It didn’t take me long to realize that this burglary was in fact, God answering a prayer that I had prayed just two or three days earlier. I had asked Spirit to please help the police catch whomever was responsible for breaking into sheds and going through cars in the neighborhood. I was still raw from Brian’s passing. Having been with him since I was 18 years old, I had never lived alone and hearing of these happenings was unsettling to say the least.

We left everything as it was and stepped outside to wait for the police. I called my daughters and sister although I don’t remember what I said to them. I think I was in shock. As we waited in the driveway for police, my family and neighbors began arriving. Will arrived in his big white truck like a knight on a white steed. He hugged me, telling me it would be ok and for a moment I allowed myself to feel it all…Brian’s passing, the health crisis that followed and now this. As he held me I cried, I don’t know how much more I can take I sobbed. Will reassured me that everything would be alright. I took a deep breath, squared my shoulders and gathered myself for what I knew would be a long evening ahead.

Soon Lindsey and Kiera arrived. Dontae showed up with the plywood needed to board up the sliding glass door. Then he and Will searched the yard for evidence. Megan was home with the kids. I didn’t want them to see the house this way. On the phone Megan had said that Trey was very upset and worried. As Will was preparing to leave their house Trey had told him that under no circumstances was I to stay in my house that night. He was to bring me back to their house and I was to stay in his room. Megan said that he already had his bed linens in the laundry and was cleaning his room from top to bottom.

It was a long night indeed. The police technician worked for hours collecting finger prints and evidence. Will and Dontae boarded up the door and exhausted, we all finally left.

When Will and I arrived at their home, I think it was around 3 am. There, sound asleep on the sofa was Trey. I went into his room to find he and Megan had fresh linens on the bed. Trey had carefully selected a stack of DVDs in case I wanted to watch. He had set up a charging station for any devices I may have brought and placed bottled water next to the bed. The calming scent of lavender filled the air as it streamed from a diffuser on the shelf. They had thought of everything. I could feel the love of my family as I finally laid my head on the pillow. It had been a heartbreaking day and yet I knew that I was one of the luckiest people on this earth.

As I look back on this event, I realize that many blessings came in the form of what didn’t happen, as well as what did. First of all, my family insisted that I get a security system and Will installed motion lights and new locks. Although I don’t expect that this will ever happen again, it does help me relax as I continue to adjust to living my life without Brian. The blood from the glove has provided DNA. Therefore it is only a matter of time before the police arrest whomever is responsible. Prayer answered. The spare key fob for my car was stolen but the container that held it was left out on the counter. If it had been put back up on the shelf, I may never have noticed it was missing and the thieves would have no doubt been back to steal the car. Of the three laptops that were stolen, I am most disappointed at losing Brian’s but apparently Spirit thought if expendable. The cement block that was thrown through the window damaged a dining room chair. As it was too old to find a replacement, the insurance paid for a lovely used set that I was able to purchase. As for the several hundreds of dollars in change, well I just would have spent it, so no big deal right?

So as you can see, I was blessed in so many ways. I am infinitely grateful that God kept me away from the house as this event unfolded and I was kept safe. In the darkest of times, Father Mother God holds me securely in loving arms. This I know for sure.

He heard me…

We’ve Danced Our Last Dance

So we have danced our last dance for this time around.

Save me a spot on your dance card my love,

for certainly we will dance again.

All of the best things in my life began with you.

I love you.

(Photo from June 1994, 20th Anniversary and

renewal of our vows.)

The Old Rugged Cross

God Works in Mysterious Ways, It’s true.

It is true that God works in mysterious ways.

Today, on this last day of National NF (Neurofibromatosis) Month I wanted to share this with you.

In April 2011, my daughter Lindsey asked me to pray for her friend’s little girl. Her name was Madison and she had NF. She sent me a photograph of Madison and I placed her on my prayer altar.   That same month Madison’s grandmother, who also had NF, passed away. Her name was Mary and she was only 47 years old.

I had never met Mary but my daughter was so sad that I told her I would go to the hospice to see her. Well, Mary was well loved in this life and her room and the hallway were filled with family, friends and her minister. I took a seat at the end of her bed and sat quietly praying and wondering why had I felt so strongly guided to be there. Mary was literally surrounded by those who loved her. Why had God called me there? After some time, I blessed her and quietly slipped out of the room.

In the hallway were my daughter’s friend, her husband Will and two adorable little girls, Madison and Emily. It broke my heart knowing that these two precious little ones would soon be without their beloved grandmother.

So, now 7 years after the day that I sat at Mary’s bedside, much has changed. Some years ago after divorce, my daughter Megan began dating Will and now our families have blended. Those precious little ones, Madison and Emily are now MY granddaughters. I am so thankful that Spirit sent me to the hospice that day. I could never have imagined that I was being introduced to my future family, but God knew and I think on some level, Mary did too.



My Mother’s Day Spark Story


Once upon a time, there were in the ethers, five Divine Sparks. They were all a part of the same soul family. One day, as they floated and flitted about, as one might expect Sparks to do, with great excitement, one said, hey guys, I have a great idea! What if we all go to earth and become a family? And one of the other sparks said, yeah that’s a great idea!

Ok then, can I be the mom this time around? I’d really like to give that a go. And how would you like to be the dad… and what do you say, to the three of you being girls? Oh, it will be wonderful! Yes, yes, yes! Let’s do it.

Then, the mommy Spark spoke in a softer and more serious tone. You know there are many great lessons we will learn on earth and it will at times be a scary place. And you know, I won’t really know how to be a mommy the first time around. But I know that because all of you love me so much, that you will forgive me when I make mistakes. And because I love you so very much, I too will do my best to be patient and kind as you make your way. So, that is just what they did and over a period of time, each one made their way and was born into this family called the Wantas.

Then one glorious earth day, on a day called Mother’s Day, the mommy Spark looked into the eyes of the daddy Spark with great love and gratitude for the family that they had come to be. And with great pride and immense joy they watched as their beautiful daughter sparks now nurtured and cared for their own little Sparks.

And that is our story. Each of us is here on our own Soul’s journey, our own Sacred Path and yet the Creator has given us so many other Soul’s along the way to love us and support us as we go.

So Happy Mother’s Day to all of you Divine Mommy Sparks! Bless you for your love and compassion.

How many memories can a tiny thimble hold?

A Cupboard Full of Memories

I never really liked my name.  It was so ordinary.  So simple.  I used to get a little jealous of those who had beautiful names and wondered  why my parents couldn’t have chosen something more lovely.

That all changed on September 25, 2015 when my precious granddaughter was born.  Named for my beloved grandmother and myself, she was given the name Lillian Jean.  Suddenly Lily Jean was music to my ears!

Now, two years later,  I am contemplating what to get this very special little girl for her birthday?  It slipped in like a whisper on a breeze.  The cupboard.  Yes, of course! My little cupboard!

The cupboard had been made for me by my dad when I was around 2 or 3 I think.  He loved working with wood.  He built our childhood home almost single handedly, as we lived in the basement while he did so.  I remember him making snow skis, a sled and a little bench.  He even built us the most amazing playhouse complete with glass in the windows!  It was nestled on the edge of the woods under the sprawling branches of a huge oak tree. My sisters and I played with that cupboard for years.  When I moved to Florida, it came with me.

Yes, the cupboard should go to Lily Jean I thought. I pulled it from the storage shed and began wiping away the years that had collected on its surface.  I could never have imagined the feelings that would swell within me as I began this simpe task.  Suddenly in my mind’s eye, I could see my dad.  As I stroked the wooden surface it was as if I could feel my dad’s hand over mine.  It felt like he was guiding my hand using the same movements as he had so many years ago as he prepared the cupboard for me.  Then memories came flooding in of the days when my daughters were small and how they loved this little cupboard.  And now, we were preparing it for my granddaughter, his great granddaughter, our Lily Jean.

I love you dad.  I miss you so very much.  Perhaps one day we will be together on the other side and we will guide Lily’s hand as she prepares the cupboard for her daughter.   Love is eternal.

Happy Birthday Lily Jean.