It was when my husband passed away that my children first suggested that I get a dog.  One month later it came up again when my house was broken into.  Although I love dogs, I did not want to make any major changes in my life right then.  More recently I put it out to Spirit that I was ready for a dog, but that I was going to wait for the perfect one to come to me.  I was going to rescue rather than purchase as there are so many out there in need of a home.  I began making a long list of all of the attributes that I would want in a dog.  I would prefer older to younger, medium size versus large, calm, well trained, content to be home alone when I was at work, would enjoy regular trips to the mountains and would be sweet and loving with the grandkids. 

A few weeks ago there was a posting on FB that said something like, your dog is waiting for you at the Humane Society.  Hmmm…is that a sign?  Then a day or two later, a posting for the Mega Pet Adoption event at the fairgrounds where they would rehome hundreds of pets. Hmmm…sign two?

Then last week I went to one of my communities to drop off brochures.  As I walked toward the building the thought popped into my head to ask my daughters if they would want to go to that event with me.  Just outside of the front door, a lady sat with a little dog under her chair, enjoying the afternoon.  She smiled and we said hello.  When I came out of the building, her little dog came out from under her chair and stretched to reach me.  I asked what the dog’s name was and she replied that it was Judy and assured me that it was fine to pet her.  

So how long have you had Judy, I asked?  Well, my children insisted that I get her when my husband passed away. I just giggled to myself.  Hmmm…third sign!  I told her, that’s so funny, my children have been wanting me to get a dog since my husband passed away.  Just do it, she said. She went on to tell me how much Judy has helped her in those difficult times.  Just do it, you will be so glad you did, was her advice. Do it, you will never be sorry. She repeated that many times during our brief visit.

Soon it was time for me to get back to work.  I told her that if I got a dog, that I would take a picture and bring it back to show her.  She was happy about that.  I began to walk away then turned back and asked her what her name was.  She replied, Jean.  Oh my gosh I said, my name is Jean too!  We both had a laugh and off I went. 

As I walked back to my car, I was going over it in my head.  OK, so you are standing in front of a woman, also named Jean who has a dog that she got after her husband died because her children thought it would be helpful.  And she is telling you over and over how her dog helped her through that period of grief and after. Hmmm…sign number 4? 

So yes, I called my daughters and they said that they would love to go to the pet adoption event with me.  And that is exactly what we did last Sunday.  As soon as we arrived, we were greeted by a volunteer named Becky.  She asked what we were looking for and I began going through my long list of what I thought was important.  When I finished she asked if she could introduce me to “someone” and off she went.  When she returned she had a large brindle dog with white feet and markings.  His name was Sam and he was so sweet!  Lily, my four year old granddaughter who is usually afraid, connected with  him immediately.  He was gentle and calm the entire time.  Becky told us that he was about 6 ½ but they did not know his history.  He has many broken and missing teeth, some skin issues that were resolving and heartworm.  She was excited to tell us how she had him in a Halloween costume and paraded him about all day on Saturday and he didn’t seem to mind a bit. She was afraid he wouldn’t be adopted because no one really noticed him in his crate.  He just laid there, so people passed him by.  After spending some time with him she took him back to his crate and we took a walk about to look at the other dogs. 

The girls and I talked about the pros and cons of adopting Sam.  I was concerned about future vet bills when hearing about his health issues but I just couldn’t walk away from him.  He had been in a kennel for 3 months and he was so sad.  Most of the other dogs were barking and going crazy while he just laid quietly.  Well, so much for my list of qualifications! I had considered so carefully what I thought would be best, but in the end, I had left it up to God.  I was reminded that sometimes gifts come wrapped in packages that we don’t expect.  Sam was certainly a different package, but God has placed him in my care.  He is my charge and we will help each other heal.

The Best Worst Day

Megan and Lily Jean

Journal September 21, 2019

Thank you Lord for the best worst day!

Yesterday was such a difficult day from the moment I attempted to put my feet to the floor.  There it was again.  Vertigo.  And it was back with full force.  I was shocked.  I had just been to treatment for it the day before and in one session the vertigo was gone!  I hugged my therapist, who was wonderful by the way and told her I was so grateful but that I would not be seeing her again.   

As I awoke my first thought was, finally, a day without the nauseating spinning.  So, you can imagine the feeling of dread that came over me as I nearly toppled “ass over tea kettle” as my mama used to say.  I was so sure that I had turned a corner and that issue had finally passed forever.  

I felt sick to my stomach, had a horrible headache and my mouth was throbbing and painful.  Oh yes, that is the other thing.  Did I mention that I had 3 wisdom teeth extracted last Friday.  It is never a good thing when you hear your surgeon say that yours was the most difficult case he had ever had.  The teeth had to be broken up with a chisel and then removed.  Not good.  The days that followed were even worse as I developed dry socket.  Now if you are not familiar, that is when the bone is exposed to the air and causes quite horrific pain.  Therefore, my days started with going in to get the sockets repacked to hasten the healing and lessen the pain. 

Yesterday one week, post op I had to return for the packing as well as go in for a vertigo treatment.  I never expected it to turn out to be one of the best days ever.  My daughter Megan and granddaughter Lily Jean came over first thing to take me to my appointments.  Lily Jean has the soul of a healer beyond a shadow of a doubt, coming down from her mother and I. (And no doubt other lifetimes as well.)

So many times, throughout the day she would hold my hand, lay her head on my shoulder and offer me her doll to hold. It was so touching.  And when they returned me home, we sat at the table for them to have a bite to eat while I faced a handful of meds and herbal supplements. Lily looked at me with such love and compassion and asked if she could give me my medicines.  With great love and care she popped each of them into my mouth and I knew that extra healing would come with each one, for her love was added to each tablet. 

So, Lord I get it!  Thank you for the gift of vertigo and dry socket, for if not for those events I would not have been given such a gift as I was through that precious little girl who was named for me and for her great grandmother.  I am so very grateful for it all. 

Love on a Rooftop

This was Brian’s favorite photo of me. He always told me so. It was taken in 1973, when I was just 18 years old. We had moved into our first apartment in Minneapolis. He had left the band to go back to school so he could go into studio recording. I worked two jobs, one as a waitress and another at a Scandinavian bakery to help put him through school. We were barely scraping by but were blissfully happy. One of our favorite things to do on our very limited budget was to climb the ladder to the roof of the apartment building and watch the sunrise. Brian always went first to help me up. He took this photo as I reached the top of the ladder. I can still remember the day.

Brian kept this picture on his desk at home and at his various jobs all of these many years. When he passed, Fototechnika returned his personal effects to me. This photo was in the package. I never really gave it much thought before but today as I walked by it, I looked at it with new eyes.

I wasn’t a pretty girl. My hair was straight and fine, my teeth too far apart. I couldn’t help but wonder, what did he see when he looked at that old picture that would cause him to keep it so close at hand for 45 years? I will never know the answer for sure as I never thought to ask, but I hope that he saw the love in my eyes. I hope that it reminded him of those early days of counting change to pay the rent and thought, wow that was so worth it. I hope it made him happy that we had made it all of these years in spite of some really difficult times. And I hope it reminded him of all of the fun we had. If I could have one last wish tonight, I would wish that I was on that ladder looking up at his smiling face just one more time. I love you Brian.

Am I To Be Broken Father?

From the depths of my soul, I cried out to Father Mother God.
The pain, both physical and emotional, nearly more than I could bear.
Am I to be broken Father, I asked?
No my child, Mother whispered gently.
Broken open my love, not broken.
That is much different indeed.
Being broken open is a glorious happening.
For with that opening, much more LIGHT may enter.
It is time for you to begin releasing your sorrow.
We know this is not easy. You and your beloved Brian had something very special indeed.
Do not wonder, did I do enough? You did.
Do not wonder, was I there for him in every way? You were.
Do not wonder, did I say everything that needed to be said. You did.
Do not wonder if he understood the very depth of your love for him. He did.
Rest easy now my precious child.
Do not wonder if you will see him again. You will.
(Excerpt from my morning talk with Spirit)

Be careful what you pray for…

Just five weeks after my husband passed away my house was ransacked and robbed. It was Sunday afternoon, November 18th. I’d had a nice lunch with my ministers group and then stopped at my daughter’s to drop off some of Brian’s clothes for donation to the homeless. Upon my return, I noticed my kitchen door was ajar. I thought to myself, could I have left that open? Yes, it’s possible that as I was loading Brian’s clothes, I may have been distracted by the emotion of it. I slowly stepped inside the kitchen. Some of the cupboard doors were open. My mind began spinning as it worked to process what I was seeing. Then I looked into the next room to see Brian’s desk drawers were open. It suddenly became clear when I saw the shattered glass of the sliding door and a large cement paver on the floor. It was then that I gathered my wits about me and decided it was best not to explore the rest of the house on my own. I may not be alone.

I stepped outside and called my neighbor who came immediately with his son-in-law and went into the house with me. I was stopped cold in the doorway of the room where the girls and I had so recently cared for Brian as he went through his journey with cancer. Every drawer, closet and cabinet had been gone through and the contents strewn about. I was sickened at the sight of it. I remember thinking, how dare they touch his things. How dare they violate his memory.

Then, two important things called to me as I stood there in disbelief . Just inside the doorway on the floor was my prayer bundle. It had been taken from its place on my bureau. It is a beautiful drawstring bag that can be opened and laid out into an altar of sorts. It contains some of my most precious treasures such as my dad’s rosary and the magnetic cross that rode on the dashboard of every family vehicle I can remember growing up. Holding sacred medallions, crystals, pendants and other small momentos of many of my dear friends, mentors and teachers who are both here and on the other side, these items are irreplaceable to me. My heart told me that God had stripped it from the hands of this man as he carried it. “No, not that” I heard His voice say. I could see it in my minds eye as it hit the floor, dropping as though it was searing the hands of the one whose intention was dark. “Here, no further” Spirit said. I was so thankful that this man was not allowed to take those precious memories from me.

The second thing that was brought to my attention will soon be the undoing of this thief. There, just a couple feet from my prayer bundle was a latex glove filled with blood. It didn’t take me long to realize that this burglary was in fact, God answering a prayer that I had prayed just two or three days earlier. I had asked Spirit to please help the police catch whomever was responsible for breaking into sheds and going through cars in the neighborhood. I was still raw from Brian’s passing. Having been with him since I was 18 years old, I had never lived alone and hearing of these happenings was unsettling to say the least.

We left everything as it was and stepped outside to wait for the police. I called my daughters and sister although I don’t remember what I said to them. I think I was in shock. As we waited in the driveway for police, my family and neighbors began arriving. Will arrived in his big white truck like a knight on a white steed. He hugged me, telling me it would be ok and for a moment I allowed myself to feel it all…Brian’s passing, the health crisis that followed and now this. As he held me I cried, I don’t know how much more I can take I sobbed. Will reassured me that everything would be alright. I took a deep breath, squared my shoulders and gathered myself for what I knew would be a long evening ahead.

Soon Lindsey and Kiera arrived. Dontae showed up with the plywood needed to board up the sliding glass door. Then he and Will searched the yard for evidence. Megan was home with the kids. I didn’t want them to see the house this way. On the phone Megan had said that Trey was very upset and worried. As Will was preparing to leave their house Trey had told him that under no circumstances was I to stay in my house that night. He was to bring me back to their house and I was to stay in his room. Megan said that he already had his bed linens in the laundry and was cleaning his room from top to bottom.

It was a long night indeed. The police technician worked for hours collecting finger prints and evidence. Will and Dontae boarded up the door and exhausted, we all finally left.

When Will and I arrived at their home, I think it was around 3 am. There, sound asleep on the sofa was Trey. I went into his room to find he and Megan had fresh linens on the bed. Trey had carefully selected a stack of DVDs in case I wanted to watch. He had set up a charging station for any devices I may have brought and placed bottled water next to the bed. The calming scent of lavender filled the air as it streamed from a diffuser on the shelf. They had thought of everything. I could feel the love of my family as I finally laid my head on the pillow. It had been a heartbreaking day and yet I knew that I was one of the luckiest people on this earth.

As I look back on this event, I realize that many blessings came in the form of what didn’t happen, as well as what did. First of all, my family insisted that I get a security system and Will installed motion lights and new locks. Although I don’t expect that this will ever happen again, it does help me relax as I continue to adjust to living my life without Brian. The blood from the glove has provided DNA. Therefore it is only a matter of time before the police arrest whomever is responsible. Prayer answered. The spare key fob for my car was stolen but the container that held it was left out on the counter. If it had been put back up on the shelf, I may never have noticed it was missing and the thieves would have no doubt been back to steal the car. Of the three laptops that were stolen, I am most disappointed at losing Brian’s but apparently Spirit thought if expendable. The cement block that was thrown through the window damaged a dining room chair. As it was too old to find a replacement, the insurance paid for a lovely used set that I was able to purchase. As for the several hundreds of dollars in change, well I just would have spent it, so no big deal right?

So as you can see, I was blessed in so many ways. I am infinitely grateful that God kept me away from the house as this event unfolded and I was kept safe. In the darkest of times, Father Mother God holds me securely in loving arms. This I know for sure.

He heard me…

We’ve Danced Our Last Dance

So we have danced our last dance for this time around.

Save me a spot on your dance card my love,

for certainly we will dance again.

All of the best things in my life began with you.

I love you.

(Photo from June 1994, 20th Anniversary and

renewal of our vows.)

The Old Rugged Cross

God Works in Mysterious Ways, It’s true.

It is true that God works in mysterious ways.

Today, on this last day of National NF (Neurofibromatosis) Month I wanted to share this with you.

In April 2011, my daughter Lindsey asked me to pray for her friend’s little girl. Her name was Madison and she had NF. She sent me a photograph of Madison and I placed her on my prayer altar.   That same month Madison’s grandmother, who also had NF, passed away. Her name was Mary and she was only 47 years old.

I had never met Mary but my daughter was so sad that I told her I would go to the hospice to see her. Well, Mary was well loved in this life and her room and the hallway were filled with family, friends and her minister. I took a seat at the end of her bed and sat quietly praying and wondering why had I felt so strongly guided to be there. Mary was literally surrounded by those who loved her. Why had God called me there? After some time, I blessed her and quietly slipped out of the room.

In the hallway were my daughter’s friend, her husband Will and two adorable little girls, Madison and Emily. It broke my heart knowing that these two precious little ones would soon be without their beloved grandmother.

So, now 7 years after the day that I sat at Mary’s bedside, much has changed. Some years ago after divorce, my daughter Megan began dating Will and now our families have blended. Those precious little ones, Madison and Emily are now MY granddaughters. I am so thankful that Spirit sent me to the hospice that day. I could never have imagined that I was being introduced to my future family, but God knew and I think on some level, Mary did too.



My Mother’s Day Spark Story


Once upon a time, there were in the ethers, five Divine Sparks. They were all a part of the same soul family. One day, as they floated and flitted about, as one might expect Sparks to do, with great excitement, one said, hey guys, I have a great idea! What if we all go to earth and become a family? And one of the other sparks said, yeah that’s a great idea!

Ok then, can I be the mom this time around? I’d really like to give that a go. And how would you like to be the dad… and what do you say, to the three of you being girls? Oh, it will be wonderful! Yes, yes, yes! Let’s do it.

Then, the mommy Spark spoke in a softer and more serious tone. You know there are many great lessons we will learn on earth and it will at times be a scary place. And you know, I won’t really know how to be a mommy the first time around. But I know that because all of you love me so much, that you will forgive me when I make mistakes. And because I love you so very much, I too will do my best to be patient and kind as you make your way. So, that is just what they did and over a period of time, each one made their way and was born into this family called the Wantas.

Then one glorious earth day, on a day called Mother’s Day, the mommy Spark looked into the eyes of the daddy Spark with great love and gratitude for the family that they had come to be. And with great pride and immense joy they watched as their beautiful daughter sparks now nurtured and cared for their own little Sparks.

And that is our story. Each of us is here on our own Soul’s journey, our own Sacred Path and yet the Creator has given us so many other Soul’s along the way to love us and support us as we go.

So Happy Mother’s Day to all of you Divine Mommy Sparks! Bless you for your love and compassion.